Am I alone or lonely?

Am I alone or lonely? It was hard to answer. When I was young, I preferred quiet moments to think of myself and the universe—looking into any place and object and trying to make a world from it. That was easy for me because I was the shy, silent kid with whom no one would bother to converse. I saw that as an advantage to dig into my dream life. I never felt alone or lonely; I was in the middle of the crowd daily, and I would sink into my imagined world whenever I could. Yes, it was lovely; there was no overthinking, anxiety, or fear. My life was so simple, slow, and quiet; even though some forced noises were killing me, I figured out a solution to live with them. Take a breath to think and appreciate what beautiful things mean, what a sunrise can bring to me today, and how the sunset will be fascinating before dark.

A street light, which used to be my friend, from midnight until dawn. How you sparkle alone in the dark with street monsters, still standing without fear, being bright and beautiful in the scary dead of night.

I asked how you don't feel the weather or feel lonely, my friend. Even if I left the house and returned, you may still be waiting for me; I never visit you in pitch dark and see you upset. Never gave me false hope or negative feelings. I always look at you as a supportive night friend. There were some cold, breezy nights, and everyone was sleeping, and I heard the breeze noises pretending to be ghosts; I looked at you from my window, and you comforted me. Everything was under control; Life was terrific; I smile, sleep, and dream.

***

When I grew up, I began to have some more space. I had it gradually until I became a prisoner of my loneliness. I chose, without being conscious, to be trapped. It was fun at the beginning; I had what I wanted to be with me. I had time and patience. I do not know how I begin to study me, but it will work one day. For now, let's dream until I find myself. I dived into my daily talk, breathe, smile, eat, and sleep. Yes, that was amazing. I lived my visionary life for a few years, but am I lonely or alone? I asked myself.

***

Years passed, and my dreams became cruel; my voice became worse than an enemy, and my thoughts abused me. I'm not going to lie; I regret it my whole life. I wished to be a different person to go out, laugh, and live like women my age. I tried to change; it was complicated for me at first, but I succeeded somehow. In one moment, I felt that the younger me was back again: around people, enjoying life's beauty, and having my fantasy world as I can. Without a blink, I felt I didn't belong in this society. I miss myself alone, even though I escaped from me to help me. I used to be tranquil for a long time, but this new change isn't for me.

***

Now I'm back at it again. This time may be different. After all, I got to choose wisely. I know what I want, and I know myself better now. Oh yes, I have my world now on my terms, but why do I feel empty? Something is missing; I know what it is, but I'm afraid to admit it at first because I knew I could not have it easily if I thought about it. However, I did not know it was vital in anyone's life years back. I was busy with my space and never considered what social life and being present meant. I'm an introvert; that was my excuse for years, and I still stick to it. I re-defined it today to suit my standards. I love to be alone to create and enjoy what people usually ignore around us, what we cannot see when socializing and busy with social media. Some little beautiful touches and moments could improve our day or even week. The morning walk made me notice how pigeons fly in synchronization with well-structured groups and how they look fantastic flying and blinding together with the sky. That taught me many things I know but should have appreciated in the past. Some days, I crave going outdoors, seeing a child playing, a woman walking, a man talking, and an employee working. Yes, how magnificent it is to live in the present briefly to recharge my communication part, to satisfy it. I want to maintain myself in the crowd, maintain my safe space for imagining things, and recreate them on my own rules and looks. So, I'm still asking myself one question: am I alone or lonely?