Almighty Talks

Seven years old, I had been told Allah's discussions should not be argued.

With sense or without it, they bring him in a sentence to make me scared. 

He punishes me with fire if I disobey him. They all say it would be best if you were scared of him. 

Three questions answer you should memorize. They will prevent you from getting burned. I repeat them blindly to be saved. They are older than me and know Allah the best, I said. Learning about him is a must. I born a Muslim is not a choice. Worshiping and fasting are a duty until death; what is the reason behind them? I am afraid to ask. Google research has yet to be famous. I should be ignorant about him and do what they suggest. When I die, at least I would be in heaven if I did.

***

Nineteen years old, I'm in shock; losing a loved one was a new journey itself. Death is here; worshiping him should not be a duty. I have to remember what sins I have committed; He will forgive me after all these years. Fear is hunting me again in a new type of way. You will lose another loved one; just be prepared. I want to talk to him, but it isn't effortless from my path. Listening to his calling to the prayer was a different level of pain. I made mistakes regrets controlled my mind. I lost my last hope in life and locked myself in a room for three years of death. They did not count on my age, if I say. I have been attacked by fears, insecurities, anxiety, trauma, and dark names I'm afraid to write.

***

I heard I should ask him for help. I tried but always failed. They all notice I'm not well; they ask me to read Quran for weeks. I started in one day, and I refused to complete it. The voice inside me said you're just fine; ignore them all. I'm not happy I've lost my mom. What can I do to live life again? One day, I can not forget he asked me to visit him twice. In his prophet's mosque, I found a new peace; I forgot what I said, but I was out of this world. What happened to me? I was in heaven for months, and so. I went to Umrah to talk to him again. It was a different feeling I couldn't describe. He did his magic when I asked.

***

I'm alive now, but I'm missing many things in life. I was in trauma for three years and a half. My life was destroyed, but he gave me hope.’’Reach for help; they will tell you what to do’’. You are just ok; you need to leave home. I have tried my best to find a job, but someone advised me to repeat his prophet's name multiple times and read one Surah that would give me what I wanted. In one month, I was working, and I shall stick to him for more help in life. After a couple of months, I'm in hell again. I have been crying in my diary all night. Shall I ask him what I have to do? But I always forget what I wanted to say? how I approached him? is a tricky question to answer. I will try now. Maybe he will help me talk. Allah , you know what in my heart, send me some help. I left that job and thought I knew what to do.

***

Something happened after one year at home. Something made me frightened of existence again. This time I should know him on my own; he is the only one who can protect my soul." You think he will help you after all these mistakes. He does not hear or see how destroyed you are; you have no life or nobody left for help. He failed you; he is not listening at all. Can you trust him after he knows what they did to you all these years ago? I have power over you, and I know by heart you will fail this time like always".

Did you finish your laying? 

 Ok, this is my reply, and I will not repeat it. I will do my research to be closer to him even if you make me in pain. You held my tongue for ages, preventing me from saying AllAh’s name. I know he heard my heart and not blaming me for my past. Mentioning his name will make you burn; now it's my time to turn the tables.

***

Allah, the great, I need your help. They took advantage of me when I was naive. You tried sending me a sign from some time ago, but they controlled me without me knowing. I will talk to you all day and night until you will save me from them all. Six months later, I won the fight with your assistant. I can not deny that. I have my body back, but I need you until I find myself. I've been all over the place for one year and nine months. I will write about you with all my senses, not just my heart. This paragraph will not describe your highness and perfection but excuse my words. I'm human; I have limited of them compared to yours. 

***

Almighty, The Lord of Majesty, The Owner of Sovereignty, 

The One and The Only One

 you knew me before I knew you. You know my heart without me talking. After years of worshiping you, I just recently discovered you. You are the guide I need advice from, the Protector when I face my obstacles, and the lover whose love would not harm me. The only one who has heard me talking and not getting bored of me. The only one I can trust and the only one I can confess to. You showed me how to succeed; you showed me the way to you. You made me obsessed with you, so no place in my heart left for any creature exists. Your wisdom showed me which path is the best. I'm depressed. Should I pray to talk to him? No, I will take the shortcut. He is the heart God. I start to love you blindly without I notice. Almighty talks become my best.