I’m a writer who does not write.

In 2020 at 5 am, with the sun rising, I discovered I'm a writer. So, from that day, I started my journey to become a writer and make it a career. I took courses, started my blog, and practiced writing joyfully- I even looked for a writing master's degree. I finally know what my passion is, what I meant to do- what makes me happy and dreamy. I had no idea I would fear doing something that once was my safe space, secret world, and time.

The full story

After publishing my blog, I was excited. Yes, I made it because I have fears and insecurities. I worked so hard on my website for months and months- I admit I was over the place and undecidable I had no clue what I was doing. So, I start writing about tips using confident teaching language, which I don't have; I'm a beginner. I'm still learning about writing, but I continued doing it for two months and then felt this was not my dream. Also, the business mindset controls me. I eat and sleep thinking about business and money- I will complete my studies if I have money. That is what I imagine and think of all these months. I forgot the reasons why I wanted to start this blog in the first place. However, I began to feel this was a heavy-duty, not a dream. I'm overworked or deserve time off after months of working and thinking. I decided to take a break.

“ I admit I was over the place and undecidable I had no clue what I was doing”

After the break, I said I was not a qualified writer, yet I needed to take a course- I finished the course, and the pressure was real. Started to think and reevaluate myself as a writer. I compared myself with other writers. They are perfect. I can't be like them. I need much longer time to be like them, self-doubt, lost, thinking, and not actually working- I'm a writer or just pretending to be one. I have a heavy to-do list of writing routines, and I must follow it to succussed. Thus, I decided to make my website private and deleted my blog posts. I was nearly breaking down because this had been my dream for a long time. I felt I was failing myself, letting my weakness take over me- I could not write a single word at that time because they say if you want to be a writer, you must write every day. I became a writer who does not write, imagine, and think about it. That was all I could do.

Healing break results

I know me, and I know what I could change to achieve my dream, and I know the solutions. I need to take the time to feel the pain, not fight it. Here are the lessons from my experience

1-My real passion: I dreamt of having my own website for ages. I aimed to write, publish and see people's reactions to it. Offering knowledge to people about what kind of knowledge I have yet to learn, but I know I have a lot to offer.

2-Arrogance: I'm bilingual and sometimes need to remember that English is my second language. I feel arrogant to look up for words or even read to others because I'm afraid to still some of their words by accident. I need to practice having more vocabulary. I'm creative; I have to lean on my creativity, not others' work.

3-I'm a new writer: this is a journey for me, but I pressured myself to learn fast and not enjoy the process, running and counting the time until I felt anxious to learn or write.

“I became a writer who does not write, imagine, and think about it. That was all I could do.”

Second round:

At this time, I know what I've done wrong. I know how to fix them.

1- Taking a break: this is the most crucial step. Even though I'm a writer doesn't mean I have to write without stopping to take a break in between to refresh my mind.

2- Be organized: what made me fail was focusing on more than one path in writing. I was over the place

3- Enjoying the process: I remember when I was in college, I loved writing lectures because I enjoyed every minute of writing and doing research; that's what I forgot to do that time.

4- Why I'm a writer: reminding myself of my genuine reasons for being a writer to make people read and enjoy what I'm writing because that gave me joy and happiness.

5-Be humble: there is a difference between adopting an idea and stealing an idea, that's no one perfect, and I must start with small steps.