A random topic of my diary-Friendship Value
When I was 9 years old, I was famous among my colleagues. I used to be the leader of our group friends, the guide, the adviser, the trusted one, and the decision-maker. I loved that position and enjoyed that circle. However, the more I grew up, the more I lost some people from that circle. The more I grew up, the more the definition of friendship changed.
At that age, I thought friendship meant being well-known in class and school. I talked to everyone and enjoyed everyone's company. Anyone I played with could be my friend. So, in my teen years, the circle got smaller. I started to have values, and we should be similar to be friends. Hence, I must see how they talk and think before becoming friends and getting in touch with anyone.
I preferred good relationships with everyone in my twenties, but no friendships were involved. I'm scared to have people close to me or get to know me because I'm afraid of them leaving me. The breakup will hurt me more than them. I'm the only one who appreciates the relationship I love genuinely unconditionally. They have first to gain my trust. Yes, that frightened me and led me to trust issues. The hardest part was people I did not get in touch with for years, and they came up to me like there was no gap between us. I have grown and changed.
Do they think I will be the same person they knew, or how can I tell them I have a new upgrade? I have standards. Am I being strict with myself? Do I need to change my list or change myself to it? Sometimes, I miss the day of talking to a friend, even if it's a stupid talk or even listening to her. I have never had a friend I trust to whom I could keep my secret or feel connected in any aspect of my life. That used to bother me a lot until recently.
I have learned that I do not need any friends; I started to accept it first by telling myself it's ok to be different; it's ok to have no one to understand you. This is a chance to discover me and to know me better. I have begun to spend time with myself; I immensely enjoy my company. I set up a weekly date to do what amuses me. On this day, no sadness or overthinking is allowed. I spent the day with myself, far from people.
Usually, I go out to talk to me about me. This changed my personality and made me see what I have hidden inside me from the past. Yes, I feel healthier mentally. I feel more connected to myself, know what I want and dislike, and have learned not to judge myself and to use constructive criticism. I had many friends in the past, and none of them used to treat me like I'm treating myself this day. Treat me with love, care, and pure intention. Furthermore, I'm grateful to them for making me who I am today.
